Take Care of You: You Deserve YOU

I haven’t blogged in a while, but a crazy week has made me want to share a message with you.  I have been feeling like I’m in the world alone for the past few days.  My friends have been there, my family has been there, I interact with people at work, but I’m yet feeling like I’m in a bubble and not connected to anyone. This is because I have lost the connection that I once had with myself.  I am a nurturer by nature.  If you are sick, I want to give you medicine.  If you are sad, I want to make you laugh.  If you are hungry, I want to feed you.  However, in the midst of nurturing and loving, I lost ROSHAWNDA. Am I sad? No. But what I am is a stranger to myself.  I think the reason is because I spend so much time trying to balance the normal woes of my own life as well as the woes of those around me that I have become a casualty. As women, we want to fix everything. We want to be the best mom, aunt, wife, girlfriend, sister, friend, etc. and we tend to fall short because we have not taken the time to remember that you were you before you were anything else. You came first so you come first.  People notice your change when your physical appearance changes.  How many times have you heard a person say “ooooh she let herself go?” But me? I look the same, yet I have let myself go.  My emotional appearance isn’t the same.  Am I depressed? NO But, I am just simply not connected to ROSHAWNDA in the way that I should be.  I’m telling you this because I want you to continue to be as awesome as you are, but include yourself on your priority list.  Including you and taking care of you will help you to better take care of all the people that need you.  You can’t give anyone else 100% until you give yourself 1, 000.  This is a daily struggle for me.  So I am making a promise to myself to strengthen my emotional appearance so that I can be a better friend, sister, niece, granddaughter, teacher, and more importantly child of GOD. It is so easy to get caught up into everyone else that you forget to care about you.  I’m not saying be selfish; just try to remember that you matter too.  And nobody else on Earth can cater to your needs the way that you can. I have decided to make a plan to devote time each week to myself in isolation.  ISOLATION: meaning unplugged from social media, not texting in group texts, and just alone with me and my thought mediating on what is and not what I want it to be. I will spend this time thinking about how to be a better RO.   See, the scary thing is that if I continue to be invisible to myself, I will always be invisible to others.  I can’t have that and neither can you.  Don’t neglect you. Sometimes the only person hindering you from happiness is you.  Claim your happy back.  Take back your peace.  Rejoice in rejection. Know that you can’t do it all and you were not put here to. Cry if you need to just don’t fall apart.   You are not a robot.  You get to be not okay. You have the right to want more.  You need sleep. You need food.  You need peace of mind.  You deserve the luxury of pampering yourself mentally and physically. Most importantly, you deserve YOU!   It is okay to say no. It is okay to not have time.  It is okay to want to be better.  Bottom line: if you don’t take the time to know the person you see in the mirror, then you are worthless to others. I challenge you to find a day that is just for you.  Give no thought to issues that have nothing to do with you.  After all our souls weren’t saved by a woman, they were saved by a baby of the male gender and clearly you and I don’t fit that mold. We can’t save people no matter how hard we want to try.  This (whatever it is) is not your fight.  Chin up and know that it’s okay and that you are AMAZING.

~ ROdownload

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Extension of my Recent Blog

  So, I recently posted my opinion on what I thought cheating did to women. Since then, I have thought more about it, and I came to the conclusion that there was a much more long lasting affect that I did not include in my initial post. I would be doing myself as well as other women an injustice to not address this. I would have to say that the main effect that being cheated on has on a woman is that it NEGATIVELY AFFECTS HER FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS AND EFFORTS AT RELATIONSHIPS. See when a woman is cheated on, she throws all men in the category with man who cheated on her. She is defensive and guarded. She cannot properly give love or receive it because her trust is shot. She does not believe that this time will be any different and that is the way she treats any man that approaches her. When something good comes her way, she questions it or sabotages it because she subconsciously believes that it is indeed too good to be true. For example, if a guy comes in and does all the things that the woman was not getting in the previous relationship, she is prone to think he is fake or just putting on. In a new relationship, a woman who has been hurt is just sitting around waiting on this guy’s true colors to appear. 

The issue with this is that not all men are the same, and just because you had a bad experience with a guy, you cannot allow that experience to determine how you view and treat every other man that comes in your life. Not everybody is out to use and abuse you. There are some good men left, but you will never find him if you are still living in the dust of what happened to you.

Now, I am not saying that you should not be careful and pay attention to early signs, but you cannot allow what happened to you to determine what will happen to you. Treating a new man according to how an unfaithful ex treated you is allowing the very person who hurt you to control your life. If he is a factor in your decision making when dating, then he is still winning. HE IS STILL RULING YOUR LIFE EVEN IN HIS ABSENCE. Don’t give him that power. Does he deserve it? Moreover, what you are really doing is running a potentially good guy away. You will never be happy if you just refuse to let go of what happened to you. Again, not all men are the same. 

If you find yourself getting the same types of men, then that says something about your taste in men rather than the character of all men. 

Ok, so you had a bad relationship. It happens. Bounce back! Get over it. Dust yourself off, and try to love again. You are capable of giving and receiving real love. It can happen. Don’t give up on it or ruin it because you were hurt.  

~Ro

 

  

 

How Being Cheated On Affects a Woman!!!

imageRecently a friend asked me what I thought cheating did to a woman! Hmph it’s a pretty touchy subject, and I was hesitant to write about it because I didn’t want anybody who cheats or has cheated to feel that I was throwing a rock at them. Moreover, I didn’t want my ex to feel that he was the muse for this blog, but you know what? If it hadn’t happened to me, then I wouldn’t be able to write about it. So here goes nothing. The question is
“How does cheating really affect women?”

My answer is simple: it ruins her. Even if for just a moment, being cheated on ruins a woman. Yes, she can bounce back and be herself again, but damage is indeed done. Let me share a few facts with you. Most women will agree; those who don’t either haven’t been cheated on or aren’t being honest

1. Cheating is much more than sex. Who really cares that you had sex with someone else? If it was just about the sex, then trust me we’d get over it much faster. Cheating is about the thought you put behind deceiving your spouse. It’s about the time and energy you stole. It’s about what went lacking at home while you were out doing who knows what with who knows whom. Cheating is the multiple times you lied without thinking about it. It’s about the way you left your spouse open and unprotected to be the butt of jokes and ridicule. See, the worst part of cheating does not happen in the bedroom. It happens long before you made it there.
2. Cheating causes a woman to question her worth. Regardless of how hard we try, we begin to wonder why we were not fulfilling enough or what we could have done differently. We lose a sense of self all because our spouse chose to cheat.
3. Cheating takes away a woman’s security. It makes her feel like she always have to be on the defense. We subconsciously feel that the world is against us.
4. Cheating makes a woman question her intelligence, especially when we stay. We wonder how we could be dumb enough to tolerate such treatment. However, when we leave we feel like a failure.
5. Lastly, cheating causes a woman to hate other women. Although, the woman owes us no loyalty, we find ourselves being bitter toward the woman. I mean let’s face it, we downright tend to despise the women.

I already know a lot of women will say these things didn’t happen to them and somehow they miraculously bounce back. Ha! Stop it. Show me a woman who wasn’t ruined by cheating and I’ll show you a woman who was cheating too.

-Ro

YOU MADE YOUR BED….HOPE IT’S COMFY

Life is about choices.  You are free to make the choices that you want to make in life.  You are free to choose left or right.  You are free to choose to lie or tell the truth.  You are free to date who you please.  You are free to inflict pain or pleasure.  You are totally free in your decision making.  However, decision making is one of the most expensive freedoms that you have.  Making decisions is indeed a gamble, because although you are free to make choices, you are not free to choose the consequences associated with those choices.  You can choose to be disloyal to a person, but you cannot choose how that person will respond to your disloyalty.  You can even choose to have a child, but you cannot choose what that child will look like, act like, or be like.  When it comes to consequences you are totally POWERLESS and all your efforts to shape consequences are futile.  I said all of that to say this: you have to be careful about the bed that you are making, especially if it is one you are not sure you will be comfortable laying in.  You cannot keep making decisions and then running from the consequences of those decisions.  Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and say “hey I caused this, so let me deal with it.” Life does not afford you any rewinds or do over’s, so sometimes you have to focus on getting it right the first time.  If you attempt to make good heartfelt decisions, then you are less likely to be running, sad, and afraid when it is time to pay the piper.

Take Your BLINDERS Off….

 Most of my life I had one defense mechanism: seeing things the way I wanted them to be rather than seeing them the way they were. I got by because I ignored what was and delighted in making things what I thought they should be. At best, I can say I spent a lot of my time pretending. Now, I knew the reality of things, but it was so much easier to deal with my sugar coated version of affairs. I’ll give you an example!!!! If someone was mean to me, I tuned it out, and I focused only on moments when they were more pleasant. Most of my friends would be like, “I don’t see how you do it?” I knew exactly what they would be referring to, but I’d still focus on the way I wanted things to be. Now that’s good in its place. However, there is a time when facing reality is important. Ignoring the problem just won’t make it go away. Seeing only the bright side won’t cast away the dark times. Sometimes you have to man up, take those blinders off, and face things just like they are.

Ro-

LOVING YOU!!!

Very few women, if any, will admit that they are always looking for ways to improve themselves. We will spend hundreds for the latest tone correcting makeup, hundreds for the latest bundles of non-shedding/non tangling foreign hair, hundreds for the latest fashions (handbags and designer shoes). For most women, life is merely about being the best version of themselves that they can be. Enough is never enough. We want to look good, feel good, smell good, and most importantly be good.

The sad truth here though is that there is not a shoe on the market that can truly make you feel good. There is not a lipstick sold that can truly make you be the best you that you can be. Shoes, and we know how much a woman loves a good pair of shoes, can honestly and sincerely fill those gaping holes that we feel when the makeup comes off. See the real truth is that feeling good is a matter of the heart. If you are not emotionally and spiritually feeling good then the outer appearance is just an expensive façade that can never make you feel complete.

To really feel complete, to really feel whole you have to be your own best friend. You have to be your own lover because the truth you really don’t love anyone else if you don’t love you. You are not anyone’s friend if you are not your own friend. When you are completely and utterly in love with yourself, then the harsh blows of the world won’t be as painful.

I know from experience that the best kind of love is self-love. Self-love helps you to be able to comfort yourself when things didn’t go as planned. When you are disappointed you can dust yourself off and fearlessly try again when you really love yourself because there is no fear in love. You can forgive and not hold grudges when you love yourself. You can smile for no reason, dance randomly in the grocery store, shamelessly listen to trap music and not feel judged because when you love yourself, nobody’s opinion of you even matters. (Yes I dance in the grocery store. I mean full fledge twerking!)

Life happens, and you will fail, you will be heartbroken, someone will hurt you, you will cry, you will fall; however, you can bounce back so hard when you choose to love you. Your enemies will even have to say “she’s not my favorite person, but she’s happy.” This happiness will show whether you have on $500 shoes or $5 shoes. This happiness will show whether you are single or have a man who adores you. The most important part of intrinsic happiness is that NOBODY CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU!

I urge you to choose you. Remove things from your life that hurt. Forgive those people who hurt you; try to understand their plight. Be happy. Smile. Love. If feels so good. The best thing a woman can do for herself is choose to love herself. Undeniably, the second best thing is to buy a nice pair of shoes. You may as well look good while loving you.

FORGIVE: It Feels So Good!! 

  

One thing that I have always struggled with is forgiveness. I must admit that I always had two struggles with forgiveness. I either didn’t want to forgive, or I didn’t know how to forgive. For years, I toiled with the burden of not forgiving people who had hurt me. I didn’t hold grudges or treat people badly, but I always held a mental note of what the person had done to me. I called this a burden because I was the person who was constantly thinking about the hurt when the person who had done it had probably forgotten about it a long time ago. In addition, to holding a mental note, I also had to constantly remind people of what they did to me or how they hurt me. So here I am bitter and mad because I’m still carrying around someone else’s guilt. I didn’t do the damage so I shouldn’t be carrying around the guilt from it. 
Another thing I had to learn was that if you aren’t going to forgive a person who wronged you then you should just leave that person completely alone. This is especially true in relationships. For example, if your significant others wrongs you, then you have two options. You can forgive and stay, or you can not forgive and leave. If you can’t forgive that person, then you cannot properly love the person. Love does not keep record of wrong doing, so how can you love a person if you keep bringing up something that they did to you? You have to make a choice, and if staying is your choice than you can’t bring that hurt with you. Bringing old baggage with you hinders you from loving like you are otherwise capable of loving, and that’s not fair to you or your mate. 
Now, if you have been hurt beyond repair and you feel you need to leave, then do that. However, leave that baggage behind too. It is possible to forgive a person and leave them. Forgiveness does not mean you have to rekindle the relationship. Forgive the person so that you can be free. Forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you; it’s for YOU!!! A person who hurt you does not have the right to be in your life after his or her time has expired. As long as you don’t forgive, you keep that person in your mind and in your heart, and you can never properly move on. If you want a fresh start, then try forgiving. You’ll thank yourself for it later. 
Forgiveness means letting it go. Forgiveness means not bashing a person every chance you get (even though it may feel good doing so), forgiveness means living your life for you, forgiveness means keeping no record of things done to you. Forgiveness means truly leaving the past in the past. 
If you find yourself weighed down with hurt from the past, do your SOUL a favor and FORGIVE!!!

–Ro

HOLD ON FOR WHAT??? LET IT GO!!!!

Stickerline-elsa-let-it-go

I think that one of the hardest things in life to do is let go of a bad situation. Letting go is so scary because it requires you to step really far outside of your comfort zone. As long as you hang on to what you are familiar to, you do not have to worry about starting over, learning something new, or becoming acquainted with something all over again. This can go for any walk of life. Sometimes, it is just time to let go. Although holding on may be the most comfortable choice, it may also be the most expensive choice. You are paying for holding on: you are paying with your happiness, your peace of mind, and your mental stability. Is it really worth such a lofty price.

It’s like playing a losing game of tug o’ war, the more you hold on to that rope trying to pull it back to your, the more energy you are wasting and the more physical pain you are causing yourself. You are trying so hard to win the game, but you are not paying attention to the blisters you are creating on hands by tugging on that rope with all your might. It is sad to say, but sometimes you are actually winning when you just let go of the work. You saved some energy and you saved yourself from some unwanted pain.

I hear a lot of people say that they do not let go because they have invested so much time and energy in the situation. For example, people say that they don’t leave relationships because they have put so much into them. However, what does it matter what you put into something if you are not getting anything out? Take all that energy and effort you are putting into a bad situation, and put it into you and your goals. You deserve more than to give you very best effort and it return to your void. Let it go. If you are in a bad situation, letting it go can be one of the healthiest things you can do. You will thank yourself later. You can’t be concerned about what people think or what people will say. There comes a point when you have to make a selfish decision and say, I am doing this for me and NOT       anyone else. People may not always understand your decision, but do they have to live with it?

Letting go allows you to see what could be. When your hold on, you are sometimes stopping yourself from accomplishing all you can accomplish. True enough, you may go from one bad situation to another, but at least you will be able to say that you were brave enough to let go of what had you bound and move on to the unknown. The next situation may not always be a better one, but if you are already in a bad situation what do you really have to lose? You will never know what life has for you until you try. Scared people never changed the world. Let go of a bad situation even if it is all you know and see how easily all you know becomes all you KNEW.

I think that it is impossible to be the BEST YOU that you can be if you are holding one to something that is not good for you. Even on a job, you can’t provide your best work if you are a disgruntled employee. Seek to do things that makes you peaceful and happy, and let go of anything that makes you uneasy, sad or angry. This could mean taking a leap of faith and venturing into unknown, unfamiliar territory. You will survive; it won’t be easy, and in the beginning it won’t be comfortable, but it will be WORTH IT.

Anything that is not helping your grow is tearing you down. Even with your hand in a lion’s mouth, it suggest you sacrifice your hand just to save the rest of you. LET IT GO!!!!

–Ro

SPEAK UP: Some Things Should Be Said!!!!

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A while ago, I had a friend to vent to be about something her boyfriend was doing that she did not like. She said he did it quite frequently, and that it really bothered her. I immediately asked her what he said when she told him she didn’t like it. She laughed and admitted to me that she had decided not to mention it to him. I told her that she was to blame and not him. You just can’t hold something against someone when you haven’t communicated with them. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND!!!

This conversation made me realize that I also ignore things that should be addressed. I wonder why women find it so difficult to fend for themselves in relationships. Shouldn’t it be easy to communicate with a person you’re in love with. Now we can tell you what you should say to your man, but we are quiet as church mice in our own homes.

I think that women are, by nature, quite protective people. We will put you in your place without thought if you have gotten out of line with someone or something we love. Mess with a woman’s mother or her child and find out just how lethal she can be. The peculiar thing to me is that I often notice that we aren’t as protective of ourselves. The same lady who would snap your neck about her child will become totally silent when it comes to defending herself. I find this to be especially true in relationships. A woman will be bothered by something her spouse is doing, and she will just ignore it rather than verbalizing her true feelings on the matter.

The issue with ignoring things that bother you is that those small issues tend to fester. They don’t go away or fix themselves just because you decided to maintain the peace in your relationship by not addressing it. In fact, because you didn’t address it, you gave your significant other the idea that everything was fine. This means that more likely than not he will do whatever it was that bothered you again. After all, you haven’t told him that anything was wrong.

The big issue is that the more you ignore things, the more they pile up. The more they pile up, the more bitterness and resentment you carry inside. Allow me to tell you that resentment is HEAVY. IT WILL WEIGH YOU DOWN! Wouldn’t it just be easier to speak up for yourself and say how you feel? Now I’m not telling you to become a nagging, picking pain in a man’s side, but I am saying speak up for yourself. Express yourself and tell how these things make you feel. Because the truth of the matter is when you do something that he doesn’t like or agree with, HE IS GOING TO LET YOU KNOW, and let’s just face it when he lets you know you’re going to try to adjust because you want to maintain the peace. So, why can’t he adjust for you? Speak up for yourself. Don’t let things build up. Don’t wait until you are too fed up to have a productive conversation. When you have let things go too far and have become angry and belligerent, you are not being heard. In fact, he is not even listening to you. Communication on the front end can help alleviate issues before they become cancerous to your relationship.

Speak up for you. Protect your own peace. Say what you feel. Things will only get worse if you don’t express your feelings. Don’t let that little itch become an unbearable rash.

–Ro

I NEED HIM TO HAVE A HANDSOME HEART!!!!

beauty-is-only-skin-deep-beauty-quote

The inspiration for this post came from a conversation that I recently had with a dear friend. She told me that she has an issue dating a man who does not look a certain way. Meaning, that he has to dress a certain way and look a certain way. This friend went on to say that she thinks the “less attractive” men are nicer and more willing to cater to women, but she just wasn’t sure that she could be completely devoted to a man who was not as easy on her eyes as she would like for him to be. It is safe to say that this friend is single, and still waiting on her “eye candy.” Now, having had this conversation, I am wondering how many women agree with the sentiments of my friend. Exactly how many women are missing out on their husbands, soul mates, and God-anointed life partners because he did not have the charisma (swag) that she likes or is accustomed to? Have I been ignoring my husband because I did not like his shoes?? (If I have, Lord send him back!!!)

I’ll be the first to admit that I would love to wake up day and night to Denzel, Idris, or Floyd, but the reality of the situation is that this fantasy is not always real life.

Many women say that they are praying for a husband, but they turn down every man who does not have on expensive shoes and clothes. How do you know that you are not ignoring your husband every single day? How can you be sure that your husband is not that guy that you laughed at or gave the wrong number? I’d be willing to bet that sometimes when we pray for that husband, God shakes his head and says “I sent him to you, but you didn’t like his swag!” Poor women! Please be mindful that your blessing may not always be packaged exactly like you would like for it to. Look at the man’s heart. The most important part is HOW HE TREATS YOU. A million dollar diamond wrapped in a soiled diaper is still more valuable than cubic zirconia wrapped perfectly with a ribbon on top. It is what’s on the inside that matters. Beauty fades, but a kind heart will still be there. Women should long for a man who honors her from head to toe regardless of how he looks or dresses.

Now whatever you do, PLEASE don’t misinterpret me by leaving this post thinking that I wouldn’t prefer a husband that I find physically attractive; however, the older I get the less I am concerned with his outer appearance. Give me a good heart over good looks any day; I can pick his clothes and shoes. LOL.

Bottom line: everyone is entitled to be attracted to what they are attracted to, and the heart wants what the heart wants, but I will leave you with this thought:

A brand new BENZ with a defaulted engine is not going to get you as far as an old beat up FORD with a good engine. IT’S ABOUT WHAT IS INSIDE. WHAT DOES HIS HEART LOOK LIKE????

–Ro