I haven’t blogged in a while, but a crazy week has made me want to share a message with you. I have been feeling like I’m in the world alone for the past few days. My friends have been there, my family has been there, I interact with people at work, but I’m yet feeling like I’m in a bubble and not connected to anyone. This is because I have lost the connection that I once had with myself. I am a nurturer by nature. If you are sick, I want to give you medicine. If you are sad, I want to make you laugh. If you are hungry, I want to feed you. However, in the midst of nurturing and loving, I lost ROSHAWNDA. Am I sad? No. But what I am is a stranger to myself. I think the reason is because I spend so much time trying to balance the normal woes of my own life as well as the woes of those around me that I have become a casualty. As women, we want to fix everything. We want to be the best mom, aunt, wife, girlfriend, sister, friend, etc. and we tend to fall short because we have not taken the time to remember that you were you before you were anything else. You came first so you come first. People notice your change when your physical appearance changes. How many times have you heard a person say “ooooh she let herself go?” But me? I look the same, yet I have let myself go. My emotional appearance isn’t the same. Am I depressed? NO But, I am just simply not connected to ROSHAWNDA in the way that I should be. I’m telling you this because I want you to continue to be as awesome as you are, but include yourself on your priority list. Including you and taking care of you will help you to better take care of all the people that need you. You can’t give anyone else 100% until you give yourself 1, 000. This is a daily struggle for me. So I am making a promise to myself to strengthen my emotional appearance so that I can be a better friend, sister, niece, granddaughter, teacher, and more importantly child of GOD. It is so easy to get caught up into everyone else that you forget to care about you. I’m not saying be selfish; just try to remember that you matter too. And nobody else on Earth can cater to your needs the way that you can. I have decided to make a plan to devote time each week to myself in isolation. ISOLATION: meaning unplugged from social media, not texting in group texts, and just alone with me and my thought mediating on what is and not what I want it to be. I will spend this time thinking about how to be a better RO. See, the scary thing is that if I continue to be invisible to myself, I will always be invisible to others. I can’t have that and neither can you. Don’t neglect you. Sometimes the only person hindering you from happiness is you. Claim your happy back. Take back your peace. Rejoice in rejection. Know that you can’t do it all and you were not put here to. Cry if you need to just don’t fall apart. You are not a robot. You get to be not okay. You have the right to want more. You need sleep. You need food. You need peace of mind. You deserve the luxury of pampering yourself mentally and physically. Most importantly, you deserve YOU! It is okay to say no. It is okay to not have time. It is okay to want to be better. Bottom line: if you don’t take the time to know the person you see in the mirror, then you are worthless to others. I challenge you to find a day that is just for you. Give no thought to issues that have nothing to do with you. After all our souls weren’t saved by a woman, they were saved by a baby of the male gender and clearly you and I don’t fit that mold. We can’t save people no matter how hard we want to try. This (whatever it is) is not your fight. Chin up and know that it’s okay and that you are AMAZING.
Recently a friend asked me what I thought cheating did to a woman! Hmph it’s a pretty touchy subject, and I was hesitant to write about it because I didn’t want anybody who cheats or has cheated to feel that I was throwing a rock at them. Moreover, I didn’t want my ex to feel that he was the muse for this blog, but you know what? If it hadn’t happened to me, then I wouldn’t be able to write about it. So here goes nothing. The question is
“How does cheating really affect women?”
My answer is simple: it ruins her. Even if for just a moment, being cheated on ruins a woman. Yes, she can bounce back and be herself again, but damage is indeed done. Let me share a few facts with you. Most women will agree; those who don’t either haven’t been cheated on or aren’t being honest
1. Cheating is much more than sex. Who really cares that you had sex with someone else? If it was just about the sex, then trust me we’d get over it much faster. Cheating is about the thought you put behind deceiving your spouse. It’s about the time and energy you stole. It’s about what went lacking at home while you were out doing who knows what with who knows whom. Cheating is the multiple times you lied without thinking about it. It’s about the way you left your spouse open and unprotected to be the butt of jokes and ridicule. See, the worst part of cheating does not happen in the bedroom. It happens long before you made it there.
2. Cheating causes a woman to question her worth. Regardless of how hard we try, we begin to wonder why we were not fulfilling enough or what we could have done differently. We lose a sense of self all because our spouse chose to cheat.
3. Cheating takes away a woman’s security. It makes her feel like she always have to be on the defense. We subconsciously feel that the world is against us.
4. Cheating makes a woman question her intelligence, especially when we stay. We wonder how we could be dumb enough to tolerate such treatment. However, when we leave we feel like a failure.
5. Lastly, cheating causes a woman to hate other women. Although, the woman owes us no loyalty, we find ourselves being bitter toward the woman. I mean let’s face it, we downright tend to despise the women.
I already know a lot of women will say these things didn’t happen to them and somehow they miraculously bounce back. Ha! Stop it. Show me a woman who wasn’t ruined by cheating and I’ll show you a woman who was cheating too.
Most of my life I had one defense mechanism: seeing things the way I wanted them to be rather than seeing them the way they were. I got by because I ignored what was and delighted in making things what I thought they should be. At best, I can say I spent a lot of my time pretending. Now, I knew the reality of things, but it was so much easier to deal with my sugar coated version of affairs. I’ll give you an example!!!! If someone was mean to me, I tuned it out, and I focused only on moments when they were more pleasant. Most of my friends would be like, “I don’t see how you do it?” I knew exactly what they would be referring to, but I’d still focus on the way I wanted things to be. Now that’s good in its place. However, there is a time when facing reality is important. Ignoring the problem just won’t make it go away. Seeing only the bright side won’t cast away the dark times. Sometimes you have to man up, take those blinders off, and face things just like they are.
Okay, even I have been guilty of the occasional social media rant (thank God for growth), but the truth is that social media not the place for your rants, especially about your relationship. Ranting and venting about your significant other on social media only brings about consequences that are definitely untimely and unwanted. Here are five reason that I think you should not talk negatively about your significant other on social media.
You make yourself look crazy: most of the time when you write negative things about your boyfriend or girlfriend on social media, you do not mean it. You are mad in that moment and you lash out. The problem with lashing out is that most of the time you ARE going to go back to the person that you were venting about which makes you look crazy. When you are no longer mad, you post something positive about that person, and people immediately say you know what he/she is crazy. Isn’t that the same person he/she was just talking about last week? The less you say the less you have to defend. If you had not ranted on social media, you would not have to defend your happiness in the relationship. I always laugh hysterically when I see someone who was just bashing his or her mate talking about how people are always in their business. Come on now!!!!!
People feed off of your misery: It is sad to say, but we live in a world where people take pleasure in the misery of others. When you post that detailed essay about the trouble in paradise, there are people who are readily waiting to gain just a little bit of satisfaction about your issues. Why would you give anyone the satisfaction of being about to get a kick out of the problems that you are dealing with in your life? Stop giving your social media followers a show. Is it really worth it?
People are waiting on your vulnerability: You know how a dog sits below the table while you are eating waiting on you to drop a morsel of food. Well its similar; there is somebody who is waiting for your trouble in paradise so that they can swoop in and wow your significant other. You are on social medial writing about what Jim does and doesn’t do while Angela is using the troubled times to try to vie for Jim’s attention. If you had not vented on social media then the lookers on would not have known that this was a good time to try to date Jim. Even when your relationship is miserable, you should be saying nothing. People can’t stand to have to wonder.
Youleave yourself open for unwanted advice: when your post your issues people begin to think that they can voice their opinions on your situation. I see it all the time. A person writes about their troubles and then gets mad when people off them advice. People would not feel so comfortable talking to you about your situation if you had not put it on the internet FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. How dare you get mad about unwanted advice when you put your own business on the internet? The next time you post something that you are going through, do not get mad when your inbox is flooded with people giving their two cents on the matter.
The last and most important reason is that NOBODY CARES! Most of your social media audience doesn’t care when you are going through things. They are just there to find the latest gossip. I have to admit that sometimes I scroll through my news feed to see who done what with who, and social media never fails me. Let’s be real you are not actually friends with the majority of the people who you are connected to on social media. I have over 1500 Facebook friends and I can honestly count on both of my hands the ones that I actually talk to outside of Facebook. I mean the people who care about what you are going through should be those who you call, text, or see on a regular basis. Why do you have to go to social media?
I hope you enjoyed reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts.