Life is about choices. You are free to make the choices that you want to make in life. You are free to choose left or right. You are free to choose to lie or tell the truth. You are free to date who you please. You are free to inflict pain or pleasure. You are totally free in your decision making. However, decision making is one of the most expensive freedoms that you have. Making decisions is indeed a gamble, because although you are free to make choices, you are not free to choose the consequences associated with those choices. You can choose to be disloyal to a person, but you cannot choose how that person will respond to your disloyalty. You can even choose to have a child, but you cannot choose what that child will look like, act like, or be like. When it comes to consequences you are totally POWERLESS and all your efforts to shape consequences are futile. I said all of that to say this: you have to be careful about the bed that you are making, especially if it is one you are not sure you will be comfortable laying in. You cannot keep making decisions and then running from the consequences of those decisions. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and say “hey I caused this, so let me deal with it.” Life does not afford you any rewinds or do over’s, so sometimes you have to focus on getting it right the first time. If you attempt to make good heartfelt decisions, then you are less likely to be running, sad, and afraid when it is time to pay the piper.
Many people feel that it is a great insult and offense for someone to cause them to waste their money. I have even heard people say, “The worst thing you can do to me is waste my money!” I disagree. The ultimate betrayal that can be done to a person is wasting their time. Wasted time, in my opinion, is one of the biggest losses you can suffer.
If someone wastes my money, then I can work harder and earn EVERY CENT back. No real damage has been done. However, if someone wastes my time, there is no task I can do, no second job I can take up, no side hustle I can perform to get my wasted time back. Once my time is wasted, it is lost forever. The damage done there is beyond repair.
I charge you to be careful with your time. Don’t allow people to waste it, and more importantly don’t you waste it. You will never get it back. What you don’t want to do is find yourself looking back and thinking what you could have been doing, would have been doing, or should have been doing had you not been wasting your time. Think about it.
Very few women, if any, will admit that they are always looking for ways to improve themselves. We will spend hundreds for the latest tone correcting makeup, hundreds for the latest bundles of non-shedding/non tangling foreign hair, hundreds for the latest fashions (handbags and designer shoes). For most women, life is merely about being the best version of themselves that they can be. Enough is never enough. We want to look good, feel good, smell good, and most importantly be good.
The sad truth here though is that there is not a shoe on the market that can truly make you feel good. There is not a lipstick sold that can truly make you be the best you that you can be. Shoes, and we know how much a woman loves a good pair of shoes, can honestly and sincerely fill those gaping holes that we feel when the makeup comes off. See the real truth is that feeling good is a matter of the heart. If you are not emotionally and spiritually feeling good then the outer appearance is just an expensive façade that can never make you feel complete.
To really feel complete, to really feel whole you have to be your own best friend. You have to be your own lover because the truth you really don’t love anyone else if you don’t love you. You are not anyone’s friend if you are not your own friend. When you are completely and utterly in love with yourself, then the harsh blows of the world won’t be as painful.
I know from experience that the best kind of love is self-love. Self-love helps you to be able to comfort yourself when things didn’t go as planned. When you are disappointed you can dust yourself off and fearlessly try again when you really love yourself because there is no fear in love. You can forgive and not hold grudges when you love yourself. You can smile for no reason, dance randomly in the grocery store, shamelessly listen to trap music and not feel judged because when you love yourself, nobody’s opinion of you even matters. (Yes I dance in the grocery store. I mean full fledge twerking!)
Life happens, and you will fail, you will be heartbroken, someone will hurt you, you will cry, you will fall; however, you can bounce back so hard when you choose to love you. Your enemies will even have to say “she’s not my favorite person, but she’s happy.” This happiness will show whether you have on $500 shoes or $5 shoes. This happiness will show whether you are single or have a man who adores you. The most important part of intrinsic happiness is that NOBODY CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU!
I urge you to choose you. Remove things from your life that hurt. Forgive those people who hurt you; try to understand their plight. Be happy. Smile. Love. If feels so good. The best thing a woman can do for herself is choose to love herself. Undeniably, the second best thing is to buy a nice pair of shoes. You may as well look good while loving you.
I think that one of the hardest things in life to do is let go of a bad situation. Letting go is so scary because it requires you to step really far outside of your comfort zone. As long as you hang on to what you are familiar to, you do not have to worry about starting over, learning something new, or becoming acquainted with something all over again. This can go for any walk of life. Sometimes, it is just time to let go. Although holding on may be the most comfortable choice, it may also be the most expensive choice. You are paying for holding on: you are paying with your happiness, your peace of mind, and your mental stability. Is it really worth such a lofty price.
It’s like playing a losing game of tug o’ war, the more you hold on to that rope trying to pull it back to your, the more energy you are wasting and the more physical pain you are causing yourself. You are trying so hard to win the game, but you are not paying attention to the blisters you are creating on hands by tugging on that rope with all your might. It is sad to say, but sometimes you are actually winning when you just let go of the work. You saved some energy and you saved yourself from some unwanted pain.
I hear a lot of people say that they do not let go because they have invested so much time and energy in the situation. For example, people say that they don’t leave relationships because they have put so much into them. However, what does it matter what you put into something if you are not getting anything out? Take all that energy and effort you are putting into a bad situation, and put it into you and your goals. You deserve more than to give you very best effort and it return to your void. Let it go. If you are in a bad situation, letting it go can be one of the healthiest things you can do. You will thank yourself later. You can’t be concerned about what people think or what people will say. There comes a point when you have to make a selfish decision and say, I am doing this for me and NOT anyone else. People may not always understand your decision, but do they have to live with it?
Letting go allows you to see what could be. When your hold on, you are sometimes stopping yourself from accomplishing all you can accomplish. True enough, you may go from one bad situation to another, but at least you will be able to say that you were brave enough to let go of what had you bound and move on to the unknown. The next situation may not always be a better one, but if you are already in a bad situation what do you really have to lose? You will never know what life has for you until you try. Scared people never changed the world. Let go of a bad situation even if it is all you know and see how easily all you know becomes all you KNEW.
I think that it is impossible to be the BEST YOU that you can be if you are holding one to something that is not good for you. Even on a job, you can’t provide your best work if you are a disgruntled employee. Seek to do things that makes you peaceful and happy, and let go of anything that makes you uneasy, sad or angry. This could mean taking a leap of faith and venturing into unknown, unfamiliar territory. You will survive; it won’t be easy, and in the beginning it won’t be comfortable, but it will be WORTH IT.
Anything that is not helping your grow is tearing you down. Even with your hand in a lion’s mouth, it suggest you sacrifice your hand just to save the rest of you. LET IT GO!!!!
A while ago, I had a friend to vent to be about something her boyfriend was doing that she did not like. She said he did it quite frequently, and that it really bothered her. I immediately asked her what he said when she told him she didn’t like it. She laughed and admitted to me that she had decided not to mention it to him. I told her that she was to blame and not him. You just can’t hold something against someone when you haven’t communicated with them. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND!!!
This conversation made me realize that I also ignore things that should be addressed. I wonder why women find it so difficult to fend for themselves in relationships. Shouldn’t it be easy to communicate with a person you’re in love with. Now we can tell you what you should say to your man, but we are quiet as church mice in our own homes.
I think that women are, by nature, quite protective people. We will put you in your place without thought if you have gotten out of line with someone or something we love. Mess with a woman’s mother or her child and find out just how lethal she can be. The peculiar thing to me is that I often notice that we aren’t as protective of ourselves. The same lady who would snap your neck about her child will become totally silent when it comes to defending herself. I find this to be especially true in relationships. A woman will be bothered by something her spouse is doing, and she will just ignore it rather than verbalizing her true feelings on the matter.
The issue with ignoring things that bother you is that those small issues tend to fester. They don’t go away or fix themselves just because you decided to maintain the peace in your relationship by not addressing it. In fact, because you didn’t address it, you gave your significant other the idea that everything was fine. This means that more likely than not he will do whatever it was that bothered you again. After all, you haven’t told him that anything was wrong.
The big issue is that the more you ignore things, the more they pile up. The more they pile up, the more bitterness and resentment you carry inside. Allow me to tell you that resentment is HEAVY. IT WILL WEIGH YOU DOWN! Wouldn’t it just be easier to speak up for yourself and say how you feel? Now I’m not telling you to become a nagging, picking pain in a man’s side, but I am saying speak up for yourself. Express yourself and tell how these things make you feel. Because the truth of the matter is when you do something that he doesn’t like or agree with, HE IS GOING TO LET YOU KNOW, and let’s just face it when he lets you know you’re going to try to adjust because you want to maintain the peace. So, why can’t he adjust for you? Speak up for yourself. Don’t let things build up. Don’t wait until you are too fed up to have a productive conversation. When you have let things go too far and have become angry and belligerent, you are not being heard. In fact, he is not even listening to you. Communication on the front end can help alleviate issues before they become cancerous to your relationship.
Speak up for you. Protect your own peace. Say what you feel. Things will only get worse if you don’t express your feelings. Don’t let that little itch become an unbearable rash.
Disclaimer: By no means do I proclaim to be an expert. I’m just a woman with experiences. The experiences of pain, betrayal, triumph, failure, laughter, and sadness. I have felt it all. I won’t throw myself a pity party and say I’ve had a bad life. It’s been just the contrary; I have had a great life. If my life were a portrait, it would be a beautifully painted picture of the world with minor mistakes made by the painter. Those mistakes in the portrait represent the many downs I have had in a life that I consider to be a pretty happy one. My valley experiences are what qualify me to author this post. I came up with the concept for this particular blog post when I realized that most of the bad things I have gone through in my life were a direct result of a bad decision I had made. I saw a pattern: I made poor decisions and I suffered the natural consequence that was associated with that decision. The purpose of this post isn’t to blame every woman for every bad situation that she has. However, I would like to make women cognizant of the fact that sometimes it’s not the world against us (as we often say), it’s US AGAINST US. A woman’s biggest enemy, her biggest hindrance, and her biggest burden is often herself. How, you might ask? Keep reading and discover how I THINK a woman can and most times will be her own demise.
I’ve often heard men and women say “Men have it easier” when it comes to relationships. That is the biggest load of malarkey I have ever heard. In actuality men have it much harder because they are in a lose-lose situation. Men are doomed because they are more likely than not charged with the task of pleasing a woman who does not know what it takes to please herself. Women are peculiar creatures with peculiar ways. Very few people, if any, have been able to successfully determine why a woman is so complex. This complexity in women, in my opinion, makes women more powerful. Well one might ask if women are so powerful, then why are the woes of a woman so magnanimous? Women want to know way they have it so hard? Why they are on the losing end of the relationship game. Women wonder why they are seen as weak, nagging, emotional beings? The answer to each of those questions is quite simple. Although women are quite powerful, they have it so hard because they make a cycle of mistakes that diminishes their God-given power and causes them to be that weak individual that they are perpetually labeled as. The mistakes that women make in relationships are not exclusive to a certain race, pay grade, or body type; ALL WOMEN INCLUDING ME have done one of these things at one point in their lives. In fact, I think I am still making some of these mistakes. Before I list the mistakes, I think I should warn you AGAIN that I am no expert, I am just a woman who is willing to admit that most of the time, I am the sole cause of my unhappiness. Can you admit the same ladies? I will list and briefly describe the top mistakes that I think women make which leave us powerless and hurt.
1. Not making men afford us: I think that we give too much of ourselves too soon and require too little. A man will not willingly do what is not required of him. We will not require a man to do “manly” things and then get mad when he does them for someone else. Well maybe she required them. If you give a man the easy way out, he will take it. If there is a man in your life, then why are you pumping your own gas, why is he not taking your garbage out, why are you worrying about how your car will get fixed or cleaned? (This is definitely one I had to learn the hard way.)
2. Competing with other women: The moment you felt you had to compete, you had already lost. Furthermore, why are you competing with Sarah when he is likely interested in Jane too. I mean really there is nothing you can beat this woman at doing to make him stop pursuing her if that is what he wants to do. I mean a man cheated on Halle Berry and who can hold a candle to her. Stop using your energy competing with a woman while the man is using his energy toward that very same woman and others.
3. Trying to please everyone: You will not please everyone; stop trying. It is okay to make a decision that makes you happy. THE END!!!
4. Thinking that we can love a man into loving us: A man will soak up all your love and give his to the person he loves. You can cook, clean, and fulfill other needs, and he will reap all those benefits AND STILL NOT LOVE YOU. You can not make a man love you and you can not stop a man who loves you from loving you.
5. Being committed to a single man: This one is self-explanatory! I have been there and done that. Let’s just say it is not a good feeling. If he is living like he is single, then you should be too. I am not suggesting that you sleep around, but I am saying quit giving him relationship privileges when he is clearly not committed to you.
6. Investing time in the wrong things: Why is it that you don’t know how many books there are in the Bible, but you know how many followers your boyfriend’s side chick has on Instagram. Need I say more?
I really hope my unimportant opinion helped at least one person. Ha! I hope that writing this helped ME. I am also a work in progress, but ladies we have to get it together if we ever want to be happy. Pray for my strength as I pray for yours.